Greetings and congratulations to the Highland Park Kindergarten Graduating Class of 2013. Let's hear it one more time, parents, for these truly amazing and inspring 5 and 6 year olds.
Let me just tell you, it is a great honor to be standing before you and celebrating this day and your accomplishments. We have spent the past year providing you with rapturous applause at each and every mundane thing you have done, celebrating it as if it were the greatest thing to ever happen in the history of mankind. Your accomplishments this year, and your parents deep desire to shower you with praises have not been surpassed by anything; with the lone exception of when your younger sibling finally decided to start using the toilet. Certainly there couldn't have been greater joy and praise than that, but even you must admit deep in your tiny black hearts, that this newly acquired skill is of more import to not only your sibling's well being, but society in general. Yes, that is right, none of us realized it at the time, but the ability to not mess one's pants and do it in a place that gets ushered away from society preventing the spread of disease is perhaps the greatest achievement many will ever do. In fact, by my calculation, it is the greatest thing someone does for society for 99.9% of the people. But don't let that keep you back from trying.
And let's be truthful, it is a skill that will surpass any other skill you may have or develop over the years in securing and retaining a job. If you don't believe me consider a professional life without it. It is a skill you will practice time and time again and eventually perfect to a near 99.999% success rate, and a skill you likely won't surrender again until you are lovingly discarded by your own children, 70-90 years from now, in the Whispering Pine Retirement Community and Unwanted Old Person Storage Center.
So your parent's delight in that over your many astonishing accomplishments was justifiable.
But today is about you, and don't let that overshadow your accomplishments. You have received an education in difficult times. This is a time where parents have switched --with the advent of the 'smart phone' -- from complete self-absorption to complete absorbed distraction. You have carefully navigated this tumultuous sea of over-preened mothers in skinny jeans tucked into riding boots and puffy vests and hipster-doofus-horned-rimmed-glasses-wear ing dads. You have sat patiently by and display 'your' art projects, where all the parents would descended upon the school to observe the competition. The art projects were almost universally carefully researched, managed, created and crafted by the adults you are attached to, who probably only allowed you to touch it at a single instance in the project allowing you to glue a sparkle onto it, or maybe trace your own name along the lines that they drew previously for you to follow.
There was of course the occasional child who obviously had no help from his or her neglectful parent. Misguided parents who mistakenly believed that the project was about the experience for the child, and not a competition between their adult neighbors. But really that was just another example of their obvious neglect. But don't worry, the overreaching parents noticed, and they are working to shun both the child and the parents from their perfect system.
But to you kids who did your own projects, realize that now you have the leg up. Let me paraphrase a great quote from the movie Rushmore:
"You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best [public schools on the east bench of SLC between 1300E and 2700E].
Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born [with helicopter parents] and you're going to stay [with said helicopter parents]. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on [these kids]. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, [their parents will give them] anything but they can't [give them] backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you."
But the whole world awaits you. You have a whole future of your parents doing projects for you, checking your homework, ushering you to and fro from various activities designed to expand your world, and through their hovering denying you any marketable work or social skill. But don't worry, ultimately you will get the best of them as you reach adulthood and turn your parents over to Obama-mandated death panels and seize their assets. Oh yes, I have seen the blackness of your hearts.
Wait, scratch that last part, it appears that part of my address to the Utah Patriot Tea Party PAC (currently being audited by the IRS) got mixed into this speech.
But, like all great commencement speeches, I need to give you some parting advice as you go forth into a new world. Both existential and practical, this advice I will give you will change your life going forward if you just heed. So if you will just stop drooling for a moment, grab some lined paper and grip that pencil of yours like an ape and make some notes, you can thank me later:
1. Your artwork: Terrible. Perspective is everything, and when you draw me as big as a house you lose all credibility. It also shows that you have no real comprehension of the world about you. Pro tip: Blue sky is not just the top one-fourth of a page, but goes all the way to the horizon.
2. Your writing: Derivative and pointless. If you are going to say that 'dragons are cool', then you need to support your argument. Simply saying it does not make it true. Your stories lack narrative and are typically self-centered and pretentious. Stop doing that.
3. Your music: Simplistic and over-wrought. Do you even know what a teapot is? Do you expect us to believe you when you sing you are 'the future of a nation' while you are chewing your collar or lifting your dress up?
4. Your jokes: Boring and rehashed. Your humor makes a church meeting feel like a laff-a-minute. Pro-tip: Repeating the same joke over and over doesn't make it funny.
5. Your oral stories: Incomprehensible and never-ending. Twitter limits characters for a reason, consider why.
So, spread your wings, future factory workers of America. There is so much out there awaiting you. Seize those opportunities before you. If you happen to make it all the way through high school, college and some sort of advanced degree I look forward to being threatened by whatever skill you have that I can't seem to develop because of stubborness, age, stupidity or all of the above. A skill that will undermine any loyalty my company may have had for me for laboring endlessly for the past 30 years. Just remember, youth and energy is no match for experience and treachery.
Go forth and prosper, Highland Park Kindergarten Class of 2013.
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