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    Mullet Ute  icon
    Profile | Posts | Pics | Friends

    My Posts

    For all users. This page is automatically generated and contains the most recent and best work on the message board.

    Post Statistics:

    * Note: Current rankings are based on activity in the last calendar year.

    Recent Topics:

    Here you go, kids. Loiter's interview with Pat Haden

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-10-22 15:34:19

    Pat Haden is the athletic director at the University of Southern California. He played quarterback for the USC Trojans before playing professionally in the National Football League for the Los Angeles Rams from 1976 to 1981. He is a Rhodes Scholar, a former practicing attorney and sports color commentator for CBS and NBC prior to accepting the role at USC. UFN's intrepid investigational journalist, Loiter, was able to secure Haden for an interview prior to this week's game at the Coliseum.
    ***************************************** *******************************

    Loiter: You’ve had quite a bit of experience in firing coaches midseason. What’s your preferred method in delivering the news? Western Union telegram? A brick with a note attached? Or is there an even less personal way? Getting a lawyer to show up and spit in the coach’s face? I could see that.
    Pat Haden: I’d prefer to keep our discussion to this Saturday’s game.

    L: So your Trojans are facing #3 Utah with an interim Head Coach. Does it make it more comfortable that you have a built-in excuse?
    PH: Utah has a fine program and we’ll be ready to play.

    L: When Steve Sarkisian was hired, it was promised as a "return to glory". Do you believe Clay Helton's hiring symbolizes a return to the time before the return to glory?
    PH: Coach Helton is a fine coach.

    L: Helton strikes me as the kind of guy who really likes yelling at children. True?
    PH: Coach Helton is polite and professional.

    L: You recently fainted on the sidelines of the Notre Dame game. Does that make you a bitch?
    PH: I wasn’t feeling well; I’m better now.

    L: I also see that you were a Rhodes Scholar. Does that make you a Fancy-Bitch?
    PH: No, it does not.

    L: Really? Because when I saw this picture of you, the first thing that popped into my head was “Oh my, what a Fancy-Bitch!”

    PH: Can we just talk about the game?

    L: Sure, let’s talk about some of your players on the roster. I see that your RB Justin Davis is from Stockton, CA. How much has he taught his teammates about the improper handling of firearms?

    PH: Justin is a fine Student-Athlete.

    L: Bo St Geme. Is that a stripper name?

    PH: Bo is a fine Student Athlete.

    L: Cyrus Hobbi. Seriously, are you guys just making @#$% up?

    PH: Cyrus is a fine Student Athlete.

    L: Maybe I can tryout for the team and you can call me Loiter ThunderSlice, King of the Ginger-Snaps?
    PH: I don’t know how to answer that question.

    L: Any truth to the rumor that you once murdered nine people in a massage parlor robbery?
    PH: That’s completely false.

    L: Seriously? Because Gordon Monson wrote that about you, so it must be true.
    PH: Are we done here?

    L: Yes. Unless……you want to get some Netflix and Chill?
    PH: Goodbye.

    >> View Responses


    I was reminded the other day that I still owe chapters 3-5 from the HAP Board of Directors Meeting. While I can detail the Redtide Tossing and how the decor of The Woodshed resembles the backdrop for a snuff film, I give you this instead.

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-06-26 13:28:31

    >> View Responses


    Where scooters, dog-shots and regrettable life choices collide....

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-06-25 10:56:18

    >> View Responses


    Part Two of a Five Part Series: Minutes from the 2015 Horse-A-Palooza Board of Director's meeting.

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-06-03 16:01:08

    Chapter 2: Bar X

    The trio proceeded three blocks to the West and entered Bar-X. Lucky for them, Loiter came equipped with extra scarves and fixed-gear bikes that enabled the Directors to blend into the crowd. Turk and Mullet lamented the days when it was a dive bar that catered to railroad workers and alcoholic undergrads from the U. Mullet commented that he still has his tankard glass that he swiped at the date of the original Bar X's closing. Turk commented that he still has the jar of pickled eggs that sat on the bar. Loiter ordered a daiquiri.

    SubstiUTE and his Man-Boy servant Cletus joined the session. After SubstiUTE purchased two rounds of drinks, the BOD agreed that not only was SubstiUTE a powerful and handsome man, but one of outstanding hygiene as well.

    SubstiUTE (artist's rendering)

    After brief deliberation, the BOD agreed to issue 2 Class B shares of HAP stock to SubstiUTE after he purchases a 10th round by the end of fiscal 2015.

    Seeking sustenance, the BOD agreed to launch their arduous journey from Bar X to the Beer Bar. To be continued in Chapter 3.

    >> View Responses


    Part One of a Five Part Series: Minutes from the 2015 Horse-A-Palooza Board of Director's meeting.

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-06-02 16:10:18

    Chapter 1: the Twilite Lounge

    Attendees consisted of Loiter and Newbomb Turk. Mullet Ute arrived 30 minutes late (@#$%ing corporate helicopter) and Shasta apparently left his testicles at the Minneapolis Airport, thus was recorded as absent. First order of business was asking Turk what type of garment he was wearing in place of a shirt. Turk indicated it was, indeed, a shirt.

    (exhibit A)

    Mullet commented that he’s cleaned fish on finer garments. Loiter commented that it looked like a White Elephant gift from a Red Lobster employee Christmas party. A motion was made by Loiter (seconded by Mullet) that Turk’s choice of attire was indicative of his decline in mental fitness, thereby should be stripped of his HAP Board seat. Turk responded by reminding Loiter and Mullet that he bought the first round of drinks. The motion was withdrawn soon thereafter.

    With the remainder of the group ready for the next destination, Loiter requested to stay long enough to play a round of pool because "Chicks dig Pool Sharks". After having his backside handed to him by a gentlemen with feathered hair and a Marlboro t-shirt, Loiter agreed to depart.

    A familiar scene throughout the evening

    >> View Responses


    Dinesh & Gilfoyle's 'Let Blaine Die' SWOT analysis in its entirety. You're welcome.

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-05-26 14:16:04

    http://www.ew.com/article/2015/05/15/sili con-valley-read-let-blaine-die-swot-board

    >> View Responses


    HAP 2011. Has it really been four years? Good times.

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-05-07 14:20:26

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi2ehhySa sc

    NSFW if the IT guy hates you.

    >> View Responses


    I found my Soul Mate. NSFW if you have a crappy job.

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-05-01 15:02:17

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYqCS3kkr aE

    >> View Responses


    Reseeding the Sweet 16: interesting analysis....

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-03-23 10:05:46

    http://espn.go.com/mens-college-basketbal l/tournament/2015/story/_/id/12538993/rese eding-sweet-16-men-ncaa-tournament-field

    >> View Responses


    Thanks a lot, Hoiberg

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-03-19 12:51:30

    >> View Responses


    I love Bill Walton.

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-02-26 12:52:35

    >> View Responses


    Danny Trejo in a Snickers Ad? Danny Trejo in a Snickers Ad!!!

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-01-29 14:06:13

    >> View Responses


    I've got to be honest, I'm disappointed in all of you. I've opened my heart and shared with you my affection for the women of the Cialis commercials.

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-01-27 18:35:03

    You've taken these beautiful 30 second vignettes of middle-aged monkey business and reduced it pics of the Wendy's girl. Aren't you smitten by the glimpses of their shared prelude to bumping boots? Consider the following...

    Patio Furniture Refinishing Lady: is the prospect of sanding a bench really a turn on for her? Is it that simple? I once hung a picture in the living room. Would that suffice for this vixen?

    Star-gazing Ice Queen: Astrology? Really...Astrology? The poor silver-haired fox of a husband looks completely uninterested in the stars, but has the resigned expression that a guy has to do what a guy has to do. I bet the telescope cost a fortune.

    Nacho MILF. Frankly, I may have done my rankings too quickly. Dressed out in her alma mater's gear, following the football game, then pulls off the Triple-Lindy and delivers a perfect plate of nachos? Hey, Nacho Husband....you need Cialis? She Brought You Nachos! YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT WOMAN!

    You all disgust me.

    >> View Responses


    Miss Universe Costume Contest? Miss Universe Costume Contest!

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-01-23 19:37:26

    NSFW if you work for The Man.

    http://www.wwtdd.com/2015/01/miss-univers e-costume-contest-went-well/

    >> View Responses


    Here you go, kids. In advance of Saturday's game, Loiter's interview with the Wildcats' head coach, Sean Miller.

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-01-16 13:05:04

    Sean Miller is the head men's basketball coach at the University of Arizona. Coach Miller started his career at Arizona in 2009 and has led the Wildcats to three NCAA Tournament invitations plus one appearance at the NIT. Prior to coaching the Wildcats, Coach Miller had a successful five year run at Xavier whereas he led the Muskateers to four NCAA appearances. Our intrepid UFN reporter, Loiter, was able to sit down this morning with Coach Miller at the Wildcat practice facility

    Loiter: Coach Miller, thank you for taking the time to speak with me.
    Miller: (* startled *) Wha…..Who the hell are you and why are you in my sauna?

    Loiter: I’m Loiter. We had an appointment. Your assistant told me to find you here.
    Miller: (* confused look, starts to gather himself *)……..Are you the guy that keeps texting me about some Russian dude?

    Loiter: Serbian, get it straight. Do you mind if I pour some water on these rocks? It always looks cool in the movies
    Miller: Your Not Supposed To……

    Loiter: (* pours water over heating element…..steam and sparks shoot through the sauna *)
    Miller: Jesus F………

    Loiter: Whoooweee! Guess I see why most guys wear towels in a sauna. Probably should’ve considered that.
    Miller: (* Annoyed *) Look, can we talk some other time?

    Loiter: Nope, nope. Shouldn’t take long, I only have a handful of questions
    Miller: (* Resigned expression *)……alright, knock yourself out. Just cover-up; your freckles are distracting.

    Loiter: Hmmm, I think of them as alluring, but tomato/tomatoe. According to folklore, you were quite the basketball savant growing up. Your ball-handling was so prodigious that you had a cameo in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh. Is this correct?
    Miller: Yes, I had a small role as a kid.

    Loiter: I loved that movie. It starred Dr J, what was he like?
    Miller: Like I said, it was a small part and I didn’t interact with him much, but he seemed very nice.

    Loiter: How big was his package? I bet he was hung like a....
    Miller: What?…..I can’t believe you just asked me…… Listen, can we change the subject?

    Loiter: Sure, you also made a guest appearance on the Johnny Carson Show. How big was Carson’s..…
    Miller: If you’re just going to ask questions of how well-endowed all of my acquaintances are, we can stop this interview now.

    Loiter: Okay, no problem (* flips eight pages forward on legal pad *). Have you devised a scheme to contain Humpty tomorrow?
    Miller: Humpty? Who’s Humpty?

    Loiter: Shock G, from Digital Underground. You know, Humpty. He’s a rotational wing player for the Utes
    Miller: You mean the rapper?

    Loiter: Yeah, #35. He’s fun to watch.
    Miller: Isn’t that actually Kyle Kuzma?

    Loiter: That’s his birth name, but his handle is Shock-G….Humpty. (* starts singing Humpty Dance *)
    Miller: ….he’s got to be well into his 40s, I think you’re mistaken.

    Loiter: (* stands up) “You’re gonna fall when the stereos pump me”
    Miller: Please put on a towel.

    Loiter: (* starts to dance *) “I like to rhyme, I like my beats funky”
    Miller: I’m beginning to feel very uncomfortable

    Loiter: “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”
    Miller: Towel! On! Now!

    >> View Responses


    Here you go kids, fresh off the wire: Loiter's interview with USC basketball coach Andy Enfield.

    by Mullet Ute
    2015-01-02 13:25:19

    Andy Enfield is the head men's basketball coach at the University of Southern California. He came to national prominence as the head coach of Florida Gulf Coast University when his team advanced to the Sweet Sixteen at the 2013 NCAA Tournament. Our intrepid UFN reporter, Loiter, was able to sit down this morning with Coach Enfield prior to tonight’s game.

    Loiter: Coach Einfield, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me. Before we get started, I’m a bit unfamiliar with this hotel, do you know if we’re within 100 yards of a school or church?

    Enfield: I don’t believe so, why do you ask?

    Loiter: No reason (*wipes brow*). You’ve taken over the USC basketball program from PAC-12 commentator Kevin O’Neill. O’Neill was notorious for having a 100-page playbook. Tell me, what exactly was on those 100 pages? Because I saw O’Neill’s offense, and it didn't appear to have any set plays of any kind. Was the book mostly a compilation of Fleetwood Mac lyrics?

    Enfield: I’m not aware of such a playbook.

    Loiter: After selling a successful start-up company, you went on to coach Florida Gulf Coast to the NCAAs while being married to a former model. What’s it like being one of those insufferable pricks who has everything go his way?

    Enfield: It’s all right, I guess.

    Loiter: Your guard, Katin Reinhardt. Douche Canoe or just your run-of-the-mill Douchebag?

    Enfield: Uh,….neither?

    Loiter: He looks like the kind of guy who makes you want to stock up on Purell.

    Enfield: is that a question?

    Loiter: Your forward, Strahinja Gavrilovic; is he Irish?

    Enfield: Uh, no.

    Loiter: You’re a successful and mildly attractive man and since I’ve shot-gunned five Appletinis this morning; may I kiss you (* turns on boom box *)

    Enfield: No thank you.

    Boom Box: “I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over, I want to know right now what will it be…”

    Loiter: You have a very kissable mouth and a chiseled chin.

    Enfield: Stay away from me.

    >> View Responses


    I would hope you would support who we are. Not, who we are not. These six individuals have made a choice to work, a choice to sacrifice, to put themselves on the line 23 nights for the next 4 months, to represent you, this high school.

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-11-07 15:31:10

    That kind of commitment and effort deserves and demands your respect. This is your team.

    >> View Responses


    Second Request: Seeking a pair of lower bowl basketball season tickets.

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-10-03 17:32:53

    Greetings Everyone-

    This is an excellent opportunity for one of you to have your very own ‘brush with greatness’ story. I’m in need of a pair of lower bowl season tickets for the Runnin’ Utes, and you might be the lucky person to sell them to me. Since I’m a man of the people, I prefer to source these tickets from you: because the ticket office is for losers. You and I (*loosens ascot, sniffs brandy*)…..we are not losers.

    Some items of note regarding myself and our potential transaction:

    • I’m the Jack Nicholson of the JMHC. Like Jack, I have little effect on the outcome of a game, but I can make a bad game interesting. So it’s pretty important that one of you steps up and works a deal with me.

    • I will not sit in Section J. I don’t care what my dry cleaner says:you cannot get the smell of Section J off your garments. It’s the herpes of aromas.

    • I may or may not pick the tickets up in person. Should you want to meet West of Highland Drive, you’ll have to work with my security detail. West of State Street? (* leans back in chair, makes dismissive wanking motion *)

    • I realize that I’ve been flexible in the past, but if you want to discount the price of the seats in return for me sleeping with your wife, it will have to be 50% of the face value of the tickets. Almost forgot, I get the rights to the video; this is non-negotiable.

    So (* finishes brandy, throws glass in fireplace), should you have tickets, drop me a boardmail. Do it….do it for America.


    Mullet Ute

    >> View Responses


    I'm so conflicted about tomorrow. I want Mike Leach to be my uncle.

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-09-26 12:44:09

    >> View Responses


    Ever been to Fresno? It's like Tooele without the whimsy.

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-09-03 21:53:52

    >> View Responses


    The Sands Sportsbook odds for tomorrow's tailgate vs Idaho St:

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-08-27 21:10:41

    Newbomb takes his shirt off before kick-off: 5-1

    Ute King keeps his shirt on before kick-off: 5-1

    Sfork initiates and wins bareknuckle brawl with Bengal alumni: 15-1

    Chucker initiates and wins bareknuckle brawl with Bengal alumni: no-line
    (since Chucker is part lycan/part Chili-Mac, bookies won't touch this)

    Loiter has sex with a patron from the Green Pig in Shasta's trailer: 6-5

    >> View Responses


    Minutes from the HAP Board of Directors meeting last evening (and pub-crawl review)

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-08-17 19:55:34

    HORSE-A-Palooza Quarterly Board Meeting, Attendees:
    • Mullet Ute: Chief Science Officer, HAP Spirit Animal
    • Newbomb Turk: Chief Financial Officer, HAP Historian
    • Loiter: Chief Operating Officer, HAP Svengali

    Piper Down
    My father once gave me some great advice. There are some jobs that are best left to professionals: brake repair, interventional medicine and tattoo art. Regarding the later, it’s apparent that the patrons of Piper Down have no fathers. That or there’s a tattoo artist with Parkinson’s that’s playing a terrible joke on a lot of people.

    Between that, and the kaleidoscope-like scent of urine, body odor and Jameson’s, Piper Down was deemed unfit for any HAP business and we agreed to adjourn to the next location.

    Junior’s Tavern
    Junior’s was also deemed unfit for HAP business, not so much that it’s a bad establishment (it’s not), but that it’s completely forgettable. The vanilla ice cream of bars, if you will. In fact, I can only remember two things from that bar:

    “Wow, that’s a big @#$%ing mirror”…….Loiter.

    “She looks like Betty Paige”…….Newbomb Turk. (this was said in reference to a female patron of Junior’s….Turk then spent the next fifteen minutes explaining who Betty Paige was).

    It was over sushi that the HAP Board of Directors passed the first resolution of the evening. Loiter motioned that collegiate football teams with one-armed kickers should hereby be deemed as a protected species and assured top 25 ranking. The motion was met with awkward pause by Turk and Mullet (plus a WTF expression from the sushi chef), but after three Sapporos the motion was approved. A research grant was commissioned to investigate if one-armed collegiate football kickers are an exception to Rule 34.

    Murphy’s Bar and Grill
    If you are an attractive middle-aged woman who was walking hand-in-hand with your daughter after the curtain fall of Wicked, and you were startled from someone shouting “Check out that MILF!”……….then you had the privilege of being in close proximity to Newbomb Turk. This must’ve been a big moment for you.

    Green Pig
    It wasn’t until the Board secured a secluded table on the rooftop of the GP where real business commenced. The following motions were presented and approved:
    • When it comes to the attractiveness of the opposite sex, Mullet has no ‘type’. The motion was approved that moving forward he needs to establish a type.
    • In a mythical arena, a Great White shark would defeat a Silverback Gorilla in a fight to the death.
    • When you buy Loiter a Pabst Blue Ribbon and you chant “Ginger” three times, he must show you the picture of his mullet on his phone.
    • The next HAP Board of Directors meeting is scheduled for December 20th, immediately after the UNLV-Utah basketball game…..at the Spearmint Rhino (duh).

    >> View Responses


    I'm adding "Ice Up, Son" to my conference room lexicon immediately

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-08-13 12:04:25

    http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/ 08/steve-smith-wins-money-by-not-fighting . html

    >> View Responses


    I've met my share of celebrities in my life. Liam Neeson (snores). Robert Redford (little). Bruce Hornsby...twice (kind of awesome). Summer Sanders (hit on....and rejected). Kate Pierson (kind of hit on...kind of hit on back....long story).

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-07-21 19:16:09

    But tonight I met Kareem Abdul Jabar. I was completely star-struck.

    >> View Responses


    Forced ranking of the couples from Cialis commercials. Thank you, Internet.

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-07-03 12:42:05

    http://uproxx.com/tag/cialis-couples-rank ed/

    >> View Responses


    The HAP and The Furious

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-06-02 17:45:25

    >> View Responses


    There will never come the day that UteKing fails to showcase his hoop skills at HAP. It will just get progressively harder to watch.

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-05-13 12:30:45

    >> View Responses


    HAP 2014: basketball, showmanship and hepatoxicity.

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-05-01 11:02:40

    >> View Responses


    HAP 2014: This is probably a big moment for you.

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-04-30 12:46:12

    >> View Responses


    Interwebs, how I love you so.....

    by Mullet Ute
    2014-04-08 15:38:44

    >> View Responses


    Top 10 Most Recently Posted Messages:

    (1 day ago, 18 stars)

    I enjoy turduckens and long, romantic walks to the liquor store.
    (6 days ago, 4 stars)

    .....serious mustache game.
    (7 days ago, 1 stars)

    I did not know that Scratch is an author.
    (7 days ago, 2 stars)

    ....I'm still waiting for Loiter to pay me back for his bail.
    (12 days ago, 2 stars)

    I never thought you could be arrested for unsolicited table dancing.
    (12 days ago, 2 stars)

    I really enjoyed that dinner at Heston's with yourself and Loiter that evening.
    (12 days ago, 1 stars)

    Although I fondly remember a club near campus. I forgot the name, but they served cheap beer and had a house band called That White Guy From CHiPs. They played Camper Van Beethoven covers.
    (12 days ago, 0 stars)

    The Utes are playing Texas Tech tonight. I've been to Lubbock......I feel sorry for people from Lubbock.
    (12 days ago, 6 stars)

    ^ drops pants to the floor when he urinates.
    (14 days ago, 15 stars)

    I'm never drinking rum again.
    (16 days ago, 2 stars)

    Scratch is Sideshow Bob?
    (17 days ago, 0 stars)

    I also love Little Sweet from the Diet Dr Pepper commercial. It's how I imagine Scratch.
    (17 days ago, 0 stars)

    Steve Jobs is an excellent film.
    (17 days ago, 0 stars)

    Honestly, who the hell likes ventriloquists? Aside from Flyer?
    (17 days ago, 3 stars)

    I'm okay with this.
    (19 days ago, 6 stars)

    with .....anything. As long as they don't make it a requirement to play Settlers of Catan as foreplay.
    (19 days ago, 3 stars)

    Uh, nope. I'm more into having sex.
    (19 days ago, 7 stars)

    Are the NEZ seats covered with straw or sawdust? It's hard to tell from the West stands.
    (20 days ago, 5 stars)

    One time I walked near the NEZ. It smelled like a rodeo with a faint whiff of Axe body spray.
    (20 days ago, 13 stars)

    Are they restrooms or stables? I'm betting they're stables.
    (20 days ago, 9 stars)

    I'm looking forward to the creativity of the BYU-P fanbase positioning themselves as victims to the MIZZOU issue.
    (23 days ago, 9 stars)

    They should let me design their uniforms. I would put a decal of Lionel Ritchie on their helmets.
    (24 days ago, 4 stars)

    Their mascot is the Commodores. Which totally makes sense, because Nashville is a coastal community.
    (24 days ago, 0 stars)

    Vanderbilt is not good at football.
    (24 days ago, 0 stars)

    RE: Loiter is a Huskie.
    (25 days ago, 4 stars)

    Of all the breeds of dogs, I've always found Huskies to be the most dense.
    (25 days ago, 2 stars)

    What's behind your ommission of the Furries? Go tumble some rocks, you bigot!
    (25 days ago, 9 stars)

    Spearmint Rhino.
    (26 days ago, 4 stars)

    Why is everyone so mean to Bigfoot in those commercials? He seems nice, in a Flyer sort of way.
    (31 days ago, 5 stars)

    What was tough was getting my other dog into the Hansel costume.
    (32 days ago, 3 stars)

    I'm dressing my dog as Loiter for Halloween. Any suggestions on how to attach an Appletini? I've already tried staples.
    (32 days ago, 1 stars)

    Depends. Do your kids drink beer or do they start with liquor?
    (33 days ago, 5 stars)

    How many Furry conferences do you guys attend in a year?
    (35 days ago, 5 stars)

    The only tragedy from last night, was that the loss underscored Gionni Paul's performance. Probably, the greatest defensive performance I've ever witnessed from a Ute.
    (37 days ago, 8 stars)

    Here you go, kids. Loiter's interview with Pat Haden
    (40 days ago, 37 stars)

    Louisville Basketball. They seem nice.
    (42 days ago, 10 stars)

    The HAP Board Meeting will start at 8ish tomorrow evening. Someone tell Loiter to wear his best John Cena shirt.
    (47 days ago, 3 stars)

    That was joke. You know what's not a joke? John Wick 2 is in development.
    (151 days ago, 1 stars)

    I know, I can't believe my XXL is back-ordered.
    (151 days ago, 1 stars)

    Almost forgot......Shut Your Whore Mouth!
    (152 days ago, 1 stars)

    ^ hates dogs and Mustangs
    (152 days ago, 0 stars)

    Oh yeah.......Kevin Nash sighting.
    (152 days ago, 0 stars)

    I like how Keanu paid his cleaning crew in krugerrands. I was begining to think I was the only guy who still does that.
    (152 days ago, 0 stars)

    It was better than sex. At least sex with Soft Jazz.
    (152 days ago, 1 stars)

    Keanu Reeves as a retired hitman who endures a violent home invasion where the assailants steal his car and kill his dog. Subsequently, Keanu takes out half of Manhattan. Why did none of you miscreants tell me about John Wick?
    (152 days ago, 2 stars)

    If Loiter's complexion was any more white, he'd be clear.
    (152 days ago, 2 stars)

    The real shame in HAP this year was that I lost to a guy who wore a snapback.
    (152 days ago, 0 stars)

    The only bad part of Turk getting bounced from HAP so early was that we still had an arsenal of old guy jokes to get through.
    (156 days ago, 6 stars)

    "You are the whitest guy in the Ward" - someone in the HAP gallery.
    (157 days ago, 5 stars)

    Loiter gets the silver medal at HAP. Thrusts basketball forty years backwards in the process.
    (157 days ago, 4 stars)

    ...I was just handed a note. Apparently, The Woodshed is NOT a gay bar. I guess this makes things pretty awkward for Chucker.
    (158 days ago, 1 stars)

    (158 days ago, 9 stars)

    (158 days ago, 3 stars)

    BTW: best name for a gay bar, The Woodshed.
    (158 days ago, 3 stars)

    I was reminded the other day that I still owe chapters 3-5 from the HAP Board of Directors Meeting. While I can detail the Redtide Tossing and how the decor of The Woodshed resembles the backdrop for a snuff film, I give you this instead.
    (158 days ago, 5 stars)

    The only thing that would complete that look is a lobster shirt.
    (158 days ago, 3 stars)

    It's sad that Scratch convinced Coach K the hat was a good idea.
    (158 days ago, 8 stars)

    Where scooters, dog-shots and regrettable life choices collide....
    (159 days ago, 4 stars)

    How do you not know who Steve Largent is?
    (162 days ago, 2 stars)

    I'd hardly call Truth or Dare at summer camp a trend.
    (167 days ago, 4 stars)

    Sushi Burrito on 8th. I haven't put something that good in my mouth since Bible Camp.
    (167 days ago, 20 stars)

    ...far right.
    (169 days ago, 22 stars)

    Two more immunizations and I'll be ready for HAP.
    (173 days ago, 4 stars)

    You play in the NFL?
    (174 days ago, 8 stars)

    No time to explain, but I need to rent a Hobbit for a party at the end of the month. Preferably an uninhibited one. Please boardmail referrals.
    (174 days ago, 3 stars)

    Spearmint Rhino
    (174 days ago, 7 stars)

    ...or make them wear a Willie Nelson shirt for the rest of the season.
    (176 days ago, 3 stars)

    You know, there was room on that dragon for at least two more people.
    (176 days ago, 4 stars)

    ^ needs 15 seconds to wind up his set shot.
    (176 days ago, 5 stars)

    Part Two of a Five Part Series: Minutes from the 2015 Horse-A-Palooza Board of Director's meeting.
    (181 days ago, 7 stars)

    Part One of a Five Part Series: Minutes from the 2015 Horse-A-Palooza Board of Director's meeting.
    (182 days ago, 13 stars)

    He's dreamy....and serves up a mean Appletini.
    (185 days ago, 2 stars)

    Last night I witnessed the birth of a new member to the Loiter Collective: Hansel the Manpurse Boy.
    (185 days ago, 3 stars)

    Dinesh & Gilfoyle's 'Let Blaine Die' SWOT analysis in its entirety. You're welcome.
    (189 days ago, 6 stars)

    Dinesh and Gilfoyle. Great duo or greatest duo?
    (189 days ago, 8 stars)

    Don't forget Loiter.
    (193 days ago, 4 stars)

    Just to be clear, my comment was about Dolce's battle with his arch nemesis: the English language.
    (193 days ago, 8 stars)

    So I just spent 30 minutes listening to Frank Dolce's radio show. Did he graduate from the U. If so.......how?
    (193 days ago, 2 stars)

    ....if they watch the Premier League, I encourage my kids to throw rocks at said family.
    (194 days ago, 5 stars)

    I discourage my kids from associating with families that follow soccer.
    (194 days ago, 11 stars)

    Are you hinting that my love of gin and aversion to pants has something to do with it?
    (195 days ago, 10 stars)

    Watch the Dub's Game 2 or the English Beat at The Depot Thursday night?
    (196 days ago, 2 stars)

    I remember Stone Temple Pilots. Although I liked them better the first time around…when they were called Pearl Jam.
    (196 days ago, 6 stars)

    I may have had a Mimosa or two prior to the show.
    (202 days ago, 6 stars)

    Watched a matinee of Music Man at the PTC this afternoon. It was $&@&ing awesome!
    (202 days ago, 3 stars)

    I know that Tooele is real because you can smell it.
    (207 days ago, 6 stars)

    Is Erda really a place? I've often wondered if it was simply a giant ruse upon the public. Like Neverland or Idaho.
    (207 days ago, 6 stars)

    HAP 2011. Has it really been four years? Good times.
    (208 days ago, 5 stars)

    I found my Soul Mate. NSFW if you have a crappy job.
    (214 days ago, 8 stars)

    ^ real reason why I'm not going.
    (214 days ago, 2 stars)

    Oh, yeah. I want to beat Michigan.
    (216 days ago, 6 stars)

    (216 days ago, 20 stars)

    I am never drinking rum again.
    (220 days ago, 2 stars)

    If Flyer would jump in, this would have all the components of a magical thread.
    (221 days ago, 3 stars)

    Scratch's house is not an option (* rimshot *)
    (221 days ago, 3 stars)

    So guys, I'm looking for a watering hole that caters to rubenesque female patrons, but I'm having no luck. Please advise; Yelp is completely worthless.
    (221 days ago, 2 stars)

    Turk, I just got off the phone with the Green Pig. They are unable to provide us flip-charts for the HAP Board of Directors meeting. Can you please bring yours? In addition, be sure to pack those sniff-free markers. Because, you know......Loiter.
    (221 days ago, 8 stars)

    For the third #%€£ing year in a row........Turk, we're no longer using transparencies. Loiter hawked our overhead projector for a six-pack of Hamm's.
    (223 days ago, 7 stars)

    ^ currently renegotiating his contract with the NEZ.
    (224 days ago, 1 stars)

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    Well I'll be damned. Maybe there's hope for the U of U Marketing Department yet. Look what came with my season ticket renewal form this afternoon... (976)
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    Monday morning at the U of U AD Office…….. (975)
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