Well, it's that time for my annual pilgrimage to my wife's family in New England.
by Mullet Ute 2016-05-26 11:12:29
Ah, yes. Five blessed days of surrounding myself with an extended family that speak with an accent that sounds like they all suffer from the same type of head trauma. Dropping Rs where ones are required, then inserting Rs where there shouldn't be.
Apparently it's still 1995 in Gloucester, for her brothers dress like Joey Tribbiani and regularly apply the word f----t to any subject or person that is beyond their comprehension.
"...(sigh) Yes, Carl, I'm aware that the Perfect Storm took place in Glawstah. You've been reminding me of that for about 10 years now"
"I'm not sure that Tom Brady is really qualified to be Senator"
"Can we listen to something besides the Dropkick Murphy's?"
"No, I have not met Mark Wahlberg, like you have Dave. But there's no way he's 5'11'"
Kuzma and the NBA draft. Why he could be in a better position to leave than Poeltl.
by Mullet Ute 2016-03-31 14:04:35
For starters, I do not think Kuzma is ready for the NBA. In fact, I think he's safely a four year NBA prospect. But when you take a couple of factors into account, it would be a disservice to not research the feasible of entering the 2016 draft.
Kuzma's Raw Talent
Kuzma has length, a frame that can carry 240lbs, solid footwork and a natural shooting stroke. These are genetic gifts that can't be coached and the NBA takes notice. His shooting touch is particularly compelling in that it could be furthered developed and become the Stretch 4 that is the de rigueur prospect in today's game.
I'm showing my age here in this comparison, but Kuzma reminds me of former Jazzman Chris Morris. If that's Kuzma's ceiling, there would be a line of NBA teams who would take that second round gamble.
The NBA Collective Bargaining Agreement & The Rookie Scale
Many years ago, the NBA and Players Association agreed to set a rookie salary scale. This benefited owners as well as the Players Association, since the union is looking out for their union members (veteran players), not rookies that have yet to see a minute on the floor. The scale, in its current iteration, provides 4 year contracts for first round draftees (two years guaranteed with team options for years 3 and 4). While there are additional variables to this scale (+/- 20% of the $ benchmark, draft order, etc.), it's a relatively fixed game. So much so, that player agents often waive their fees for their client's rookie deals since they're basically delivering zero value to the negotiation.
The team option is the key factor into the scale. If you're an owner, and your lottery pick makes an immediate impact, you can effectively cap the ceiling at $6-7 million through year 4. In short, if you're a lottery pick and an immediate contributor, you're screwed until your second contract (yes, there are some exceptions like the Derrick Rose Provision, but these are exceptions and not the rule).
Now, if you're a second round pick, you're off the salary scale. Your contract is often non-guaranteed, but with that comes flexibility and the opportunity to become a free agent by as soon as year 3.
An extreme example of this dichotomy is with the Golden State Warriors. Draymond Green's 2016 salary is $14.3M versus the $11.4M of Steph Curry's. Why? Because Draymond's rookie deal (2nd round pick) spanned only two years with a player option at year 3 which he opted out of: making him an restricted free agent. Meanwhile, Curry (a lottery pick) has suffered from a mix of the rookie scale and timing. While he was over performing his rookie deal through year 4, he was still considered a significant injury risk in 2013 which the Warriors leveraged to the tune of a 4 year/$44M contract. Think about that: he'll be in the league for eight years before his salary is fair market valued.
A Game of What If
So let's say that Poeltl is the 10th selection of the draft and Kuzma is the 60th and both players realize their ceiling in year 2. Poeltl will be locked up at his rookie deal through year 4 while Kuzma hits the free agent market at the end of year 2. Even though a Chris Morris ceiling would be lower than Poeltl's, Kuzma would benefit greatly from the two year head start on his second contract (go crack open an accounting book and research the time value of money if you don't get this).
Again, I don't think Kuzma is ready. He's yet to show that he can carry a team offensively, needs to get his FG % to match his pretty stroke and must work on becoming more situationally aware* on defense. But if you're looking out for the betterment of Kuzma's future, you should weigh both extremes of his basketball horizon; what would happen if he never played a game again, and what if he became Chris Morris?
My conference call is nearing an end and I need to make some token comment to show that I was attentive to this meeting. I think a farm analogy will work with this group; wish me luck.
* "situationally aware" is a registered trademark of Summer of SuperLoiter Enterprises.
So Gary Shandling's friends paid their respects over the weekend by playing basketball on his home court. I sure as heck hope that Loiter doesn't die soon, I don't think I could round up that many scooters.
I'm an NBA fan. I know that a majority of the people on this site are not, but (unlike kickey-ball fans) I don't feel compelled to convert you. That being said, if you're a fan of hoops in general, you need to appreciate Stephen Curry.
Here you go, kids. Loiter's interview with Pat Haden
by Mullet Ute 2015-10-22 15:34:19
Pat Haden is the athletic director at the University of Southern California. He played quarterback for the USC Trojans before playing professionally in the National Football League for the Los Angeles Rams from 1976 to 1981. He is a Rhodes Scholar, a former practicing attorney and sports color commentator for CBS and NBC prior to accepting the role at USC. UFN's intrepid investigational journalist, Loiter, was able to secure Haden for an interview prior to this week's game at the Coliseum.
Loiter: You’ve had quite a bit of experience in firing coaches midseason. What’s your preferred method in delivering the news? Western Union telegram? A brick with a note attached? Or is there an even less personal way? Getting a lawyer to show up and spit in the coach’s face? I could see that. Pat Haden: I’d prefer to keep our discussion to this Saturday’s game.
L: So your Trojans are facing #3 Utah with an interim Head Coach. Does it make it more comfortable that you have a built-in excuse? PH: Utah has a fine program and we’ll be ready to play.
L: When Steve Sarkisian was hired, it was promised as a "return to glory". Do you believe Clay Helton's hiring symbolizes a return to the time before the return to glory? PH: Coach Helton is a fine coach.
L: Helton strikes me as the kind of guy who really likes yelling at children. True? PH: Coach Helton is polite and professional.
L: You recently fainted on the sidelines of the Notre Dame game. Does that make you a bitch? PH: I wasn’t feeling well; I’m better now.
L: I also see that you were a Rhodes Scholar. Does that make you a Fancy-Bitch? PH: No, it does not.
L: Really? Because when I saw this picture of you, the first thing that popped into my head was “Oh my, what a Fancy-Bitch!”
PH: Can we just talk about the game?
L: Sure, let’s talk about some of your players on the roster. I see that your RB Justin Davis is from Stockton, CA. How much has he taught his teammates about the improper handling of firearms?
PH: Justin is a fine Student-Athlete.
L: Bo St Geme. Is that a stripper name?
PH: Bo is a fine Student Athlete.
L: Cyrus Hobbi. Seriously, are you guys just making @#$% up?
PH: Cyrus is a fine Student Athlete.
L: Maybe I can tryout for the team and you can call me Loiter ThunderSlice, King of the Ginger-Snaps? PH: I don’t know how to answer that question.
L: Any truth to the rumor that you once murdered nine people in a massage parlor robbery? PH: That’s completely false.
L: Seriously? Because Gordon Monson wrote that about you, so it must be true. PH: Are we done here?
L: Yes. Unless……you want to get some Netflix and Chill? PH: Goodbye.
I was reminded the other day that I still owe chapters 3-5 from the HAP Board of Directors Meeting. While I can detail the Redtide Tossing and how the decor of The Woodshed resembles the backdrop for a snuff film, I give you this instead.
Part Two of a Five Part Series: Minutes from the 2015 Horse-A-Palooza Board of Director's meeting.
by Mullet Ute 2015-06-03 16:01:08
Chapter 2: Bar X
The trio proceeded three blocks to the West and entered Bar-X. Lucky for them, Loiter came equipped with extra scarves and fixed-gear bikes that enabled the Directors to blend into the crowd. Turk and Mullet lamented the days when it was a dive bar that catered to railroad workers and alcoholic undergrads from the U. Mullet commented that he still has his tankard glass that he swiped at the date of the original Bar X's closing. Turk commented that he still has the jar of pickled eggs that sat on the bar. Loiter ordered a daiquiri.
SubstiUTE and his Man-Boy servant Cletus joined the session. After SubstiUTE purchased two rounds of drinks, the BOD agreed that not only was SubstiUTE a powerful and handsome man, but one of outstanding hygiene as well.
SubstiUTE (artist's rendering)
After brief deliberation, the BOD agreed to issue 2 Class B shares of HAP stock to SubstiUTE after he purchases a 10th round by the end of fiscal 2015.
Seeking sustenance, the BOD agreed to launch their arduous journey from Bar X to the Beer Bar. To be continued in Chapter 3.
Part One of a Five Part Series: Minutes from the 2015 Horse-A-Palooza Board of Director's meeting.
by Mullet Ute 2015-06-02 16:10:18
Chapter 1: the Twilite Lounge
Attendees consisted of Loiter and Newbomb Turk. Mullet Ute arrived 30 minutes late (@#$%ing corporate helicopter) and Shasta apparently left his testicles at the Minneapolis Airport, thus was recorded as absent. First order of business was asking Turk what type of garment he was wearing in place of a shirt. Turk indicated it was, indeed, a shirt.
Mullet commented that he’s cleaned fish on finer garments. Loiter commented that it looked like a White Elephant gift from a Red Lobster employee Christmas party. A motion was made by Loiter (seconded by Mullet) that Turk’s choice of attire was indicative of his decline in mental fitness, thereby should be stripped of his HAP Board seat. Turk responded by reminding Loiter and Mullet that he bought the first round of drinks. The motion was withdrawn soon thereafter.
With the remainder of the group ready for the next destination, Loiter requested to stay long enough to play a round of pool because "Chicks dig Pool Sharks". After having his backside handed to him by a gentlemen with feathered hair and a Marlboro t-shirt, Loiter agreed to depart.
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