* Note: Current rankings are based on activity in the last calendar
Here you go, kids. Loiter's interview with Pat Haden
by Mullet Ute 2015-10-22 15:34:19
Pat Haden is the athletic director at the University of Southern California. He played quarterback for the USC Trojans before playing professionally in the National Football League for the Los Angeles Rams from 1976 to 1981. He is a Rhodes Scholar, a former practicing attorney and sports color commentator for CBS and NBC prior to accepting the role at USC. UFN's intrepid investigational journalist, Loiter, was able to secure Haden for an interview prior to this week's game at the Coliseum.
Loiter: You’ve had quite a bit of experience in firing coaches midseason. What’s your preferred method in delivering the news? Western Union telegram? A brick with a note attached? Or is there an even less personal way? Getting a lawyer to show up and spit in the coach’s face? I could see that. Pat Haden: I’d prefer to keep our discussion to this Saturday’s game.
L: So your Trojans are facing #3 Utah with an interim Head Coach. Does it make it more comfortable that you have a built-in excuse? PH: Utah has a fine program and we’ll be ready to play.
L: When Steve Sarkisian was hired, it was promised as a "return to glory". Do you believe Clay Helton's hiring symbolizes a return to the time before the return to glory? PH: Coach Helton is a fine coach.
L: Helton strikes me as the kind of guy who really likes yelling at children. True? PH: Coach Helton is polite and professional.
L: You recently fainted on the sidelines of the Notre Dame game. Does that make you a bitch? PH: I wasn’t feeling well; I’m better now.
L: I also see that you were a Rhodes Scholar. Does that make you a Fancy-Bitch? PH: No, it does not.
L: Really? Because when I saw this picture of you, the first thing that popped into my head was “Oh my, what a Fancy-Bitch!”
PH: Can we just talk about the game?
L: Sure, let’s talk about some of your players on the roster. I see that your RB Justin Davis is from Stockton, CA. How much has he taught his teammates about the improper handling of firearms?
PH: Justin is a fine Student-Athlete.
L: Bo St Geme. Is that a stripper name?
PH: Bo is a fine Student Athlete.
L: Cyrus Hobbi. Seriously, are you guys just making @#$% up?
PH: Cyrus is a fine Student Athlete.
L: Maybe I can tryout for the team and you can call me Loiter ThunderSlice, King of the Ginger-Snaps? PH: I don’t know how to answer that question.
L: Any truth to the rumor that you once murdered nine people in a massage parlor robbery? PH: That’s completely false.
L: Seriously? Because Gordon Monson wrote that about you, so it must be true. PH: Are we done here?
L: Yes. Unless……you want to get some Netflix and Chill? PH: Goodbye.
I was reminded the other day that I still owe chapters 3-5 from the HAP Board of Directors Meeting. While I can detail the Redtide Tossing and how the decor of The Woodshed resembles the backdrop for a snuff film, I give you this instead.
Part Two of a Five Part Series: Minutes from the 2015 Horse-A-Palooza Board of Director's meeting.
by Mullet Ute 2015-06-03 16:01:08
Chapter 2: Bar X
The trio proceeded three blocks to the West and entered Bar-X. Lucky for them, Loiter came equipped with extra scarves and fixed-gear bikes that enabled the Directors to blend into the crowd. Turk and Mullet lamented the days when it was a dive bar that catered to railroad workers and alcoholic undergrads from the U. Mullet commented that he still has his tankard glass that he swiped at the date of the original Bar X's closing. Turk commented that he still has the jar of pickled eggs that sat on the bar. Loiter ordered a daiquiri.
SubstiUTE and his Man-Boy servant Cletus joined the session. After SubstiUTE purchased two rounds of drinks, the BOD agreed that not only was SubstiUTE a powerful and handsome man, but one of outstanding hygiene as well.
SubstiUTE (artist's rendering)
After brief deliberation, the BOD agreed to issue 2 Class B shares of HAP stock to SubstiUTE after he purchases a 10th round by the end of fiscal 2015.
Seeking sustenance, the BOD agreed to launch their arduous journey from Bar X to the Beer Bar. To be continued in Chapter 3.
Part One of a Five Part Series: Minutes from the 2015 Horse-A-Palooza Board of Director's meeting.
by Mullet Ute 2015-06-02 16:10:18
Chapter 1: the Twilite Lounge
Attendees consisted of Loiter and Newbomb Turk. Mullet Ute arrived 30 minutes late (@#$%ing corporate helicopter) and Shasta apparently left his testicles at the Minneapolis Airport, thus was recorded as absent. First order of business was asking Turk what type of garment he was wearing in place of a shirt. Turk indicated it was, indeed, a shirt.
Mullet commented that he’s cleaned fish on finer garments. Loiter commented that it looked like a White Elephant gift from a Red Lobster employee Christmas party. A motion was made by Loiter (seconded by Mullet) that Turk’s choice of attire was indicative of his decline in mental fitness, thereby should be stripped of his HAP Board seat. Turk responded by reminding Loiter and Mullet that he bought the first round of drinks. The motion was withdrawn soon thereafter.
With the remainder of the group ready for the next destination, Loiter requested to stay long enough to play a round of pool because "Chicks dig Pool Sharks". After having his backside handed to him by a gentlemen with feathered hair and a Marlboro t-shirt, Loiter agreed to depart.
I've got to be honest, I'm disappointed in all of you. I've opened my heart and shared with you my affection for the women of the Cialis commercials.
by Mullet Ute 2015-01-27 18:35:03
You've taken these beautiful 30 second vignettes of middle-aged monkey business and reduced it pics of the Wendy's girl. Aren't you smitten by the glimpses of their shared prelude to bumping boots? Consider the following...
Patio Furniture Refinishing Lady: is the prospect of sanding a bench really a turn on for her? Is it that simple? I once hung a picture in the living room. Would that suffice for this vixen?
Star-gazing Ice Queen: Astrology? Really...Astrology? The poor silver-haired fox of a husband looks completely uninterested in the stars, but has the resigned expression that a guy has to do what a guy has to do. I bet the telescope cost a fortune.
Nacho MILF. Frankly, I may have done my rankings too quickly. Dressed out in her alma mater's gear, following the football game, then pulls off the Triple-Lindy and delivers a perfect plate of nachos? Hey, Nacho Husband....you need Cialis? She Brought You Nachos! YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT WOMAN!
Here you go, kids. In advance of Saturday's game, Loiter's interview with the Wildcats' head coach, Sean Miller.
by Mullet Ute 2015-01-16 13:05:04
Sean Miller is the head men's basketball coach at the University of Arizona. Coach Miller started his career at Arizona in 2009 and has led the Wildcats to three NCAA Tournament invitations plus one appearance at the NIT. Prior to coaching the Wildcats, Coach Miller had a successful five year run at Xavier whereas he led the Muskateers to four NCAA appearances. Our intrepid UFN reporter, Loiter, was able to sit down this morning with Coach Miller at the Wildcat practice facility
Loiter: Coach Miller, thank you for taking the time to speak with me. Miller: (* startled *) Wha…..Who the hell are you and why are you in my sauna?
Loiter: I’m Loiter. We had an appointment. Your assistant told me to find you here. Miller: (* confused look, starts to gather himself *)……..Are you the guy that keeps texting me about some Russian dude?
Loiter: Serbian, get it straight. Do you mind if I pour some water on these rocks? It always looks cool in the movies Miller: Your Not Supposed To……
Loiter: (* pours water over heating element…..steam and sparks shoot through the sauna *) Miller: Jesus F………
Loiter: Whoooweee! Guess I see why most guys wear towels in a sauna. Probably should’ve considered that. Miller: (* Annoyed *) Look, can we talk some other time?
Loiter: Nope, nope. Shouldn’t take long, I only have a handful of questions Miller: (* Resigned expression *)……alright, knock yourself out. Just cover-up; your freckles are distracting.
Loiter: Hmmm, I think of them as alluring, but tomato/tomatoe. According to folklore, you were quite the basketball savant growing up. Your ball-handling was so prodigious that you had a cameo in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh. Is this correct? Miller: Yes, I had a small role as a kid.
Loiter: I loved that movie. It starred Dr J, what was he like? Miller: Like I said, it was a small part and I didn’t interact with him much, but he seemed very nice.
Loiter: How big was his package? I bet he was hung like a.... Miller: What?…..I can’t believe you just asked me…… Listen, can we change the subject?
Loiter: Sure, you also made a guest appearance on the Johnny Carson Show. How big was Carson’s..… Miller: If you’re just going to ask questions of how well-endowed all of my acquaintances are, we can stop this interview now.
Loiter: Okay, no problem (* flips eight pages forward on legal pad *). Have you devised a scheme to contain Humpty tomorrow? Miller: Humpty? Who’s Humpty?
Loiter: Shock G, from Digital Underground. You know, Humpty. He’s a rotational wing player for the Utes Miller: You mean the rapper?
Loiter: Yeah, #35. He’s fun to watch. Miller: Isn’t that actually Kyle Kuzma?
Loiter: That’s his birth name, but his handle is Shock-G….Humpty. (* starts singing Humpty Dance *) Miller: ….he’s got to be well into his 40s, I think you’re mistaken.
Loiter: (* stands up) “You’re gonna fall when the stereos pump me” Miller: Please put on a towel.
Loiter: (* starts to dance *) “I like to rhyme, I like my beats funky” Miller: I’m beginning to feel very uncomfortable
Loiter: “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy” Miller: Towel! On! Now!
Here you go kids, fresh off the wire: Loiter's interview with USC basketball coach Andy Enfield.
by Mullet Ute 2015-01-02 13:25:19
Andy Enfield is the head men's basketball coach at the University of Southern California. He came to national prominence as the head coach of Florida Gulf Coast University when his team advanced to the Sweet Sixteen at the 2013 NCAA Tournament. Our intrepid UFN reporter, Loiter, was able to sit down this morning with Coach Enfield prior to tonight’s game.
Loiter: Coach Einfield, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me. Before we get started, I’m a bit unfamiliar with this hotel, do you know if we’re within 100 yards of a school or church?
Enfield: I don’t believe so, why do you ask?
Loiter: No reason (*wipes brow*). You’ve taken over the USC basketball program from PAC-12 commentator Kevin O’Neill. O’Neill was notorious for having a 100-page playbook. Tell me, what exactly was on those 100 pages? Because I saw O’Neill’s offense, and it didn't appear to have any set plays of any kind. Was the book mostly a compilation of Fleetwood Mac lyrics?
Enfield: I’m not aware of such a playbook.
Loiter: After selling a successful start-up company, you went on to coach Florida Gulf Coast to the NCAAs while being married to a former model. What’s it like being one of those insufferable pricks who has everything go his way?
Enfield: It’s all right, I guess.
Loiter: Your guard, Katin Reinhardt. Douche Canoe or just your run-of-the-mill Douchebag?
Loiter: He looks like the kind of guy who makes you want to stock up on Purell.
Enfield: is that a question?
Loiter: Your forward, Strahinja Gavrilovic; is he Irish?
Enfield: Uh, no.
Loiter: You’re a successful and mildly attractive man and since I’ve shot-gunned five Appletinis this morning; may I kiss you (* turns on boom box *)
Enfield: No thank you.
Boom Box: “I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over, I want to know right now what will it be…”
Loiter: You have a very kissable mouth and a chiseled chin.
I would hope you would support who we are. Not, who we are not. These six individuals have made a choice to work, a choice to sacrifice, to put themselves on the line 23 nights for the next 4 months, to represent you, this high school.
by Mullet Ute 2014-11-07 15:31:10
That kind of commitment and effort deserves and demands your respect. This is your team.
Second Request: Seeking a pair of lower bowl basketball season tickets.
by Mullet Ute 2014-10-03 17:32:53
This is an excellent opportunity for one of you to have your very own ‘brush with greatness’ story. I’m in need of a pair of lower bowl season tickets for the Runnin’ Utes, and you might be the lucky person to sell them to me. Since I’m a man of the people, I prefer to source these tickets from you: because the ticket office is for losers. You and I (*loosens ascot, sniffs brandy*)…..we are not losers.
Some items of note regarding myself and our potential transaction:
• I’m the Jack Nicholson of the JMHC. Like Jack, I have little effect on the outcome of a game, but I can make a bad game interesting. So it’s pretty important that one of you steps up and works a deal with me.
• I will not sit in Section J. I don’t care what my dry cleaner says:you cannot get the smell of Section J off your garments. It’s the herpes of aromas.
• I may or may not pick the tickets up in person. Should you want to meet West of Highland Drive, you’ll have to work with my security detail. West of State Street? (* leans back in chair, makes dismissive wanking motion *)
• I realize that I’ve been flexible in the past, but if you want to discount the price of the seats in return for me sleeping with your wife, it will have to be 50% of the face value of the tickets. Almost forgot, I get the rights to the video; this is non-negotiable.
So (* finishes brandy, throws glass in fireplace), should you have tickets, drop me a boardmail. Do it….do it for America.
My father once gave me some great advice. There are some jobs that are best left to professionals: brake repair, interventional medicine and tattoo art. Regarding the later, it’s apparent that the patrons of Piper Down have no fathers. That or there’s a tattoo artist with Parkinson’s that’s playing a terrible joke on a lot of people.
Between that, and the kaleidoscope-like scent of urine, body odor and Jameson’s, Piper Down was deemed unfit for any HAP business and we agreed to adjourn to the next location.
Junior’s was also deemed unfit for HAP business, not so much that it’s a bad establishment (it’s not), but that it’s completely forgettable. The vanilla ice cream of bars, if you will. In fact, I can only remember two things from that bar:
“Wow, that’s a big @#$%ing mirror”…….Loiter.
“She looks like Betty Paige”…….Newbomb Turk. (this was said in reference to a female patron of Junior’s….Turk then spent the next fifteen minutes explaining who Betty Paige was).
It was over sushi that the HAP Board of Directors passed the first resolution of the evening. Loiter motioned that collegiate football teams with one-armed kickers should hereby be deemed as a protected species and assured top 25 ranking. The motion was met with awkward pause by Turk and Mullet (plus a WTF expression from the sushi chef), but after three Sapporos the motion was approved. A research grant was commissioned to investigate if one-armed collegiate football kickers are an exception to Rule 34.
Murphy’s Bar and Grill
If you are an attractive middle-aged woman who was walking hand-in-hand with your daughter after the curtain fall of Wicked, and you were startled from someone shouting “Check out that MILF!”……….then you had the privilege of being in close proximity to Newbomb Turk. This must’ve been a big moment for you.
It wasn’t until the Board secured a secluded table on the rooftop of the GP where real business commenced. The following motions were presented and approved:
• When it comes to the attractiveness of the opposite sex, Mullet has no ‘type’. The motion was approved that moving forward he needs to establish a type.
• In a mythical arena, a Great White shark would defeat a Silverback Gorilla in a fight to the death.
• When you buy Loiter a Pabst Blue Ribbon and you chant “Ginger” three times, he must show you the picture of his mullet on his phone.
• The next HAP Board of Directors meeting is scheduled for December 20th, immediately after the UNLV-Utah basketball game…..at the Spearmint Rhino (duh).
I've met my share of celebrities in my life. Liam Neeson (snores). Robert Redford (little). Bruce Hornsby...twice (kind of awesome). Summer Sanders (hit on....and rejected). Kate Pierson (kind of hit on...kind of hit on back....long story).
by Mullet Ute 2014-07-21 19:16:09
But tonight I met Kareem Abdul Jabar. I was completely star-struck.
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